Friday, September 22, 2006

59 Today! Not a great day, just another day.

The lead up was worse than the reality. "You're almost 60", my sister has reminded me. But I'm not where I want to be and can't get out of my way. Reasonably healthy, daughter grown and doing well, father old and fine, mother gone long ago, sisters & brother living their lives. No smile on this face. I have chores to do, then dinner with my guy. It's fine, what else should there be? Or, would I want? Nothing, really, until life is in better order and the future looks brighter.

Feeling a bit guilty for not appreciating my good fortune in life, but so far from where I'd like to be that I can't see the forrest for the trees. Took many steps backward to find myself in an eventual better place, but struggling is getting old and I'm in this pretty much alone. There's a price you pay for everything; this is the price I need to pay to get from where I was to where I'm going.

I'm going to security. I'm going to where I'm not working for a paycheck and I have enough accumulated to know I'll be comfortable and not an imposition. I'm going to where I wake up in the morning and really look forward to the day. To a life full of friends and a schedule that can be full or not. To have the option of good company when I want it and privacy when I don't. Out from under burdens, elected and imposed.

What's been done isn't enough; it hasn't included taking care of me. This isn't about looks, or even health. It's about accepting where you find yourself or doing what it takes to make things better. That's where I am. And it's a slow and tedious repositioning.

1 comment:

Barbara J Gill said...

I love this post about aging. I have just finished a week of transition - mom in a nursing home. I am 55. I was reminded this past year by a friend(when I was struggling with something private) that sometimes we have to go through something to "get to the other side" (as in other side of ourselves etc). She was right! Keep the faith! Barbara